Arriving late, kneeing your face, tipping you over. frustration rising.

Today, I thought, wasn't great.

I lost track of time and was on water duty (filling up the gyms' 5 gallon purified water) and arrived to class about 30 minutes late.

I've only made two classes so far this week. Though one of the days I missed I was training kicking with a friend.

I hurt my rib Saturday in a ridiculous way - I was on my back, someone on my left, I went to sit up, scrunching my left side and something pulled on the right- I think I partially tore a muscle because because I did absolutely 0 warming up. It's been prodding me all week, but only enough to often have the thought, "Your side is hurting but not enough to keep you from training!"

And today I felt all frustrated with sparring, leaving me to contemplate my role in life & BJJ on the drive home.

I trained two moves in class:
- Standing, putting someone in a clinch and kneeing their face, pulling down on their head like ty-bo. With a flow of feet that puts one back ready for the next knee.

- Standing, mirror stance, shooting through:  one knee down, other knee slides so that it forms a wall against their rearward leg. Put your head solidly against their outside hip, one hand on each of their thighs, grabbing from behind, your hip forward into their knee, locking it into place, posture up,  dumping them on their side.

I trained each move about 4 times, had them done to me the same. then we went onto rolling.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my free form rolling game. I feel like there are several forces at work culminating in a frustrated Oliver and perhaps even frustrated gym-mates. Stuff I KNOW I should be aware of and think I should able to counter, but they cause one another and creep up like a rising tide. Those forces are:

• The beast - wanting to be nasty. To dig my elbows in, to choke where I know I shouldn't. To move too quickly, use too much strength, spaz or not be OK with defending properly. Probably most readily tied to ego. I notice this more in reflection; especially when someone had a good defense. It creates a reinforcement which has no BJJ basis . Said otherwise, it leads me to learn and do things which aren't BJJ, practiced or sound but are sometimes effective. The worst part is this is the one I watch out most for, but continually fall prey to.
• The lazy - Finding myself often in a single position and holding it. To go for a move I know I can do opposed to something I would need to think about, or setup. Missing moves I could have grabbed had I been more aware. It's reactionary and not formulated.
• The physical - I think this is a large weakness for me: a pounding head. My rational self goes out the window leaving a gasping idiot. I sit and think about what I did and I have a couple thoughts: most often it's one of these bullets or rarely what I should of done instead. Half the time I can't even remember what just happened or what put me in that position.  Relates to the next issue-
• The thinking - I grasp for any information I can get, but most often come up empty handed. Someone can explain a move or situation but I have several modes of thought going at once, or not, with my head pounding, my heart and breath racing, I can't make sense of it. Even if at the moment I can grab ahold of some information, as soon as I get back to it, it's like the hot lava of blood runs over the wrinkles in my brain erasing what I may have gained. Relates to the next issue-
• The instruction -  not just from the gym leader, but anyone offering information during or after sparring.  It's unwarranted to direct any of my frustration at those trying to offer help or guidance but in the same hand it feels like they're a source. I'm likely frustrated with myself because I often can't follow their thoughts/advice. Another simi related issue is excitement on the mat - when someone see's you do something cool you get fanfare, which I think disregards actual function of it or thought/intent behind it.  Relates to the next issue-
• The methodology -  After a roll, when someone's explaining something, I want to comprehend what others trying to convey but another part is screaming "this isn't how you're going to learn this!" the bad news is I'm not sure how I'll learn in a rolling environment, or even that I'm right that it's not how I will.. It's like I'm making excuses but it doesn't seem like something which is premeditated. I do learn things this way, but I would say less than 1/2 the time.
• The history - I'm not you, you're not me. Unless you've figured me out, which I'd be OK with, it's going to be difficult to apply a cookie cutter to me. I try to boil my interaction down and keep it basic, but experience tells me my motivation, values, and desires are outside the mainstream. Maybe it's an excuse, a crutch, but nonetheless it adds to my frustration. This sounds trivial but when I'm training with my good friend I feel like the exchange is more useful.
• The realist - You ever have an epiphany where you realize how small & insignificant we all are? How petty our problems and how brief, in the grand scheme of things, our existences? Like a, "I don't care" or "fuck it!" moment where you realize you could be anywhere, doing most anything. I think I live this moment perpetually and it's exacerbated when I'm frustrated. It's a thought which permeates my life and ultimately gives me power of destiny - at any moment I could just walk out. I often fight that urge, it feels like sitting on my hands, or holding my tongue. 

Lastly, there's something which I find frustrating in a different way - when team mates want to see what you're going to do. I don't like being tested. I don't expect a higher belt or skilled person to go all out against me, but I don't want them to lay there either. That's frustrating in a depressing way, not a hair pulling way. 

I actually feel better having written all that out! And in doing so, perhaps came up with a solution: increase stamina.

I'll add extra curricular cardio to my mix and also attend class more. There's a gym at my apartment complex, I should take advantage of that. One of my good friends recommends yoga for BJJ stamina.

 If my head wasn't pounding, I wouldn't be beast-moding out as often, I'd be better able to focus, to   follow others thoughts and advice. Then the rest of the issues will fall to the wayside.

Hoping to quell my thoughts a bit and give myself some traction to train what I should be. Maybe I can refine these bullets further into just a few actions I can take or thoughts to constantly have on my mind.

So, today was a good day after all! :)

edit; having a night to think about this: if I read it as a complaint or excuse it seems petty, but if I read it as a road map it becomes insightful. I think 80% of my frustration comes from other sources and the other 20% is BJJ - but it's BJJ I have more control over. Anyway - ROADMAP!